Well the kids are out of the house and my days of thinking for others is finally over. I no longer have to make daily suggestions as to where someone left their shoes, pants, or cell phone. I have spare time to do something for myself. I am a woman of leasure.
Wrong. Noone ever told me about manapause. Noone warned me about what was going to occur with my husband after the mid-life crisis. So here I am to give my professional advice on this subject.
Symptoms include:
Standing in an empty room calling for possessions, ok not a new happening, but it happens almost daily now. He swears what he is looking for was there a minute ago.
Inability to judge time: A minute ago can actually mean an hour ago to three months ago. Also anything that happens prior to three months ago is categorized as "never". Example: the kids never call me. You never got the oil changed.
Inability to navigate the back yard. Lately when he goes into the back yard to get "something", he gets lost. I usually find him at the neighbors house or heading to the gas station for a hot dog.
Unusual obsession with ice cream. Everyday after dinner he asks if we have ice cream in the freezer. I have never kept ice cream on hand but now he thinks we have a creamery operating in the freezer.
Strange outbursts of affection. I used to know what the motive was whenever he called my by his pet name for me. A steak dinner, pointless spending, or a motorcycle (midlife thing). Now he has become spontaneously affectionate. I know I shouldn't complain but years of suspicion are hard to shed.
Patience has become a thing of the past. He gets mad at the grass, tv, birds, dog, wind, weather, whatever. I guess he is trying to fill the impatience void since the kids left home.
Confused Husband Syndrome- this is the inability to understand anything that requires more than 5 seconds of thought. Everything requires a thorough line of questioning usually starting with "What are you doing?". Then comes the why and how questions.
him: What are you doing?
me: Dishes
him: Why?
me: Because they are dirty.
him: Why don't you wash the glasses before the plates?
me: Do me a favor. See if you left your cell phone in the back yard!
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Driving and driving and DRIVING!
Well once again I am faced with another forced march across this wonderful country of ours to pick up my long lost son of almost 3 months. He has changed his mind and decided that Montana wasn't such a hell hole after all. I give up understanding him. That must mean he is becoming a man.
I don't dread the entire trip. It will be great to see some family and friends. My dog has been with my son and she is coming back. I really miss her. Oh yea and I miss my son too. I don't dread the drive across Montana, Minnesota, Indiana, Illinois or Ohio. What I dread is highway 94 across southern North Dakota. If anyone has driven across either North or South Dakota the question come to mind, Why God, why. The only other option is to swing down to South Dakota and go across.
Now, that IS the most mind numbing drive I have ever taken. About halfway across I am ready to go nuts. As a matter of fact as one keeps going west across south dakota and go into Wyoming, ther are various places called Crazy Woman. There is a crazy woman creek, crazy woman stores everywhere. Teh story goes that a woman went crazy while riding in a wagon train across the northern plains and ran off. I sincerely believe it.
The first time I drove across South Dakota was in a heavily packed Uhaul with two very upset teens. By the time we got to the Missouri River, we were all miserable. Look flat tracks of grassland that never ends, ever. Exciting about the first 10 minutes then you are looking for anything to break up the scenery. First we looked for exciting stuff because we didn't know better. We searched for moose, deer, pronghorns, pheasant, maybe buffalo. Then we were looking for cows, horses, and black birds. It got pretty desperate when we got excited over a tree. Not a forest or group, just a tree. We needed to take a picture. A TREE! Then we saw a TOWN. We were saved. It wasn't so bad after all. Something to look at. Nope we were at Mitchell SD. We had a very long way to go.
Now South Dakota has allowed a terrible cruelty to happen on route 90 (the only highway going across). The distance between Sioux Falls SD and Wall SD is 292 miles. Wall Drug has been allowed to post signs just outside Sioux Falls. See them right away. You think how much further can Wall be. WELL! Let me be the one to inform the ignorant, how a far? Pretty &*%@*% far! Who the hell advertises 300 miles down the road! All you see are these damn signs! Every 5 miles. It's like working on an assembly line all day with a clock in front of you. Time crawls, distance crawls, your sanity ebbs away with every mile. You try to avoid them. But there is absolutely nothing else to look at. There are a couple of tiny towns built around a two pump gas stations.
This is no lie, there is a sign out there that say "Better get gas now, Next gas station is 'Who Knows?'". I am not exaggerating. It is about 400 miles across South Dakota on route 90. Theoretically that should take about 6 and a half hours. That is with minimal stopping for gas and a no peeing rule. Food will be what ever bag of chips or jerky you have in your possession when we leave Sioux Falls or Spearfish, depending on which way we go. But in reality it takes about 45 hours and 10 minutes. By the time you reach the Missouri river, you have lost it. We stopped, took pictures and had a picnic on the grassy strip between the grocery store and the main road. We remarked how pretty the river was as if we hadn't lived by the Ohio river ever. We were transfixed. Sadly we realized we weren't even half way across.
Back to grasslands and Wall drug signs. Did we ever reach Wall Drug. Yes we did and by then we didn't care anymore. We were numb to it. We expected roller coasters and clowns. Nope just a drug store with over priced merchandise. We had another hundred miles to go.
I have made this drive 6 times. There is no getting used to it. I have tried everything. I have thought about avoiding the whole state all together. Once tried to route myself down through Nebraska. Western Nebraska is more exciting, but the cheap skate in me wouldn't allow it. The last time I went through North Dakota thinking it would be better. Wrong big time wrong. But there was that 50 foot cow!
I don't dread the entire trip. It will be great to see some family and friends. My dog has been with my son and she is coming back. I really miss her. Oh yea and I miss my son too. I don't dread the drive across Montana, Minnesota, Indiana, Illinois or Ohio. What I dread is highway 94 across southern North Dakota. If anyone has driven across either North or South Dakota the question come to mind, Why God, why. The only other option is to swing down to South Dakota and go across.
Now, that IS the most mind numbing drive I have ever taken. About halfway across I am ready to go nuts. As a matter of fact as one keeps going west across south dakota and go into Wyoming, ther are various places called Crazy Woman. There is a crazy woman creek, crazy woman stores everywhere. Teh story goes that a woman went crazy while riding in a wagon train across the northern plains and ran off. I sincerely believe it.
The first time I drove across South Dakota was in a heavily packed Uhaul with two very upset teens. By the time we got to the Missouri River, we were all miserable. Look flat tracks of grassland that never ends, ever. Exciting about the first 10 minutes then you are looking for anything to break up the scenery. First we looked for exciting stuff because we didn't know better. We searched for moose, deer, pronghorns, pheasant, maybe buffalo. Then we were looking for cows, horses, and black birds. It got pretty desperate when we got excited over a tree. Not a forest or group, just a tree. We needed to take a picture. A TREE! Then we saw a TOWN. We were saved. It wasn't so bad after all. Something to look at. Nope we were at Mitchell SD. We had a very long way to go.
Now South Dakota has allowed a terrible cruelty to happen on route 90 (the only highway going across). The distance between Sioux Falls SD and Wall SD is 292 miles. Wall Drug has been allowed to post signs just outside Sioux Falls. See them right away. You think how much further can Wall be. WELL! Let me be the one to inform the ignorant, how a far? Pretty &*%@*% far! Who the hell advertises 300 miles down the road! All you see are these damn signs! Every 5 miles. It's like working on an assembly line all day with a clock in front of you. Time crawls, distance crawls, your sanity ebbs away with every mile. You try to avoid them. But there is absolutely nothing else to look at. There are a couple of tiny towns built around a two pump gas stations.
This is no lie, there is a sign out there that say "Better get gas now, Next gas station is 'Who Knows?'". I am not exaggerating. It is about 400 miles across South Dakota on route 90. Theoretically that should take about 6 and a half hours. That is with minimal stopping for gas and a no peeing rule. Food will be what ever bag of chips or jerky you have in your possession when we leave Sioux Falls or Spearfish, depending on which way we go. But in reality it takes about 45 hours and 10 minutes. By the time you reach the Missouri river, you have lost it. We stopped, took pictures and had a picnic on the grassy strip between the grocery store and the main road. We remarked how pretty the river was as if we hadn't lived by the Ohio river ever. We were transfixed. Sadly we realized we weren't even half way across.
Back to grasslands and Wall drug signs. Did we ever reach Wall Drug. Yes we did and by then we didn't care anymore. We were numb to it. We expected roller coasters and clowns. Nope just a drug store with over priced merchandise. We had another hundred miles to go.
I have made this drive 6 times. There is no getting used to it. I have tried everything. I have thought about avoiding the whole state all together. Once tried to route myself down through Nebraska. Western Nebraska is more exciting, but the cheap skate in me wouldn't allow it. The last time I went through North Dakota thinking it would be better. Wrong big time wrong. But there was that 50 foot cow!
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
InternetReputation.com Remember when....
Does anyone remember when they were in the third grade. Ok girls this is from our point of view, but guys can find a way to relate. Hang in there. Remember that one boy, that one boy who wore the coolest jeans and tennis shoes. The one you always looked for while sitting at your desk waiting for the school day to start. You never talked to him cause well he was HIM. You had the biggest crush but he never noticed you because you were a GIRL! You knew this and accepted to love from afar and was happy with that. Then one day you were spending the night at your best friends house. You reveal that you thought he was cute. Your friend agreed. So the following Monday, after lunch you are at recess. Some girls you really don't like start singing about you and HIM sitting in a tree. To your horror everyone including HIM hears them. You are destroyed for the rest recess and the school day. How did thinking someone was cute turn into a kissing festival in a tree? You ask your friend and she says she didn't do it. By Wednesday it's all over and everybody has forgotten.
When we are kids our reputation is built on the things we do and say. Fortunately, childhood rumors can be reversed easily and quickly. As an adult our reputations aren't as easily fixed. With the internet becoming such an integral part of everything we do, one small fact (true or not) can now have global consequences on a person's or business' reputation. On the internet, reputation is everything. To track down anything that might be harmful would be impossible. Now there are companies that specialize in maintaining internet reputations. I have looked myself up out of curiosity and found that I was charged with nine felonies. News to me. Either I have a very active and criminally minded alter ego or some how my name was linked with some one else's activities. I would recommend InternetReputation.com. They do all the work of chasing kids around the cyber playground and telling them to shut up. No really they are a legitimate company worth trying out. They can be found at http://www.einternetreputation.com/
By the way, you never did marry HIM. Instead you marry the dork with the black glasses who had the bad hair cut because you were forever scarred for life over boys with cool jeans and tennis shoes.
When we are kids our reputation is built on the things we do and say. Fortunately, childhood rumors can be reversed easily and quickly. As an adult our reputations aren't as easily fixed. With the internet becoming such an integral part of everything we do, one small fact (true or not) can now have global consequences on a person's or business' reputation. On the internet, reputation is everything. To track down anything that might be harmful would be impossible. Now there are companies that specialize in maintaining internet reputations. I have looked myself up out of curiosity and found that I was charged with nine felonies. News to me. Either I have a very active and criminally minded alter ego or some how my name was linked with some one else's activities. I would recommend InternetReputation.com. They do all the work of chasing kids around the cyber playground and telling them to shut up. No really they are a legitimate company worth trying out. They can be found at http://www.einternetreputation.com/
By the way, you never did marry HIM. Instead you marry the dork with the black glasses who had the bad hair cut because you were forever scarred for life over boys with cool jeans and tennis shoes.
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